hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
In other news, I just burned my penis
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
