We need to rekindle our bromance
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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