I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
