is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
