Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
