did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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