A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
