woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
