remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You smell like stripper and shame
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm getting married
To pizza
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
