Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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