My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
