Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have tasted many bathrooms
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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