Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I checked into jail on foursquare
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
