Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
