Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
His nipple licking is glorious
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