dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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