hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
