i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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