Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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