somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
