Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
