im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
