So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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