im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
