Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
