college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
