sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
