somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
