Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
