Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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