Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
