He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
