I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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