in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize