My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
