I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
