he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
