Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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