just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
