How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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