apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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