Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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