I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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