Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
