seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
