turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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