She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
