i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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