I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
