i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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