This is not my ceiling
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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