Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
