So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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